My Kinky Path

Kink has been a part of my life ever since I can remember.

I believe the inclination towards BDSM is something we are born with, just like our sexual orientation or artistic drive. Whether and when we actually choose to practice it is another story.

As with many of us, I was raised to be “normal”.

I learned early on that deviant sexual desires (or any sexual desires…) were a no-go, something I intuited from my surroundings as a child and found confirmed as I got older. There was a looming sense of guilt and shame around the practices that caught my interest. I felt trapped because I didn’t believe I could explore my “weird” wants without risking ridicule and rejection.

With time I learned that there were other people who were weird in a similar way - the kinds of people who wore gimp masks, ball gags and dressed up as ponies. But how was I supposed to find them? And what if I wasn’t into gimp masks and ponies? Could I still join?

Photo: Pawel Sokolowski

Not knowing where to begin kept me from the BDSM scene for a long time.

What changed? I’m not sure. I think I just got tired of pretending it’s not that important.

With the tenacity of a terrier with a bone, I finally clawed myself out of my comfort zone and into the Berlin kink scene by asking any- and everyone if they knew someone who could tell me more. Seeing as I had nobody to guide me, it wasn’t easy. The scene seemed so secretive and intimidating. I was worried about doing it all wrong and making a total fool of myself.

Luckily, I’m stubborn.

Over the few next years, I gradually discovered the world of BDSM, listening and observing, and what I found was more than just sex and parties. The first gift BDSM held for me was body confidence

My first play party had me marveling at the women strutting their stuff in daring outfits, no matter what their age or body shape. They carried themselves with the kind of self-assurance I could only dream of, despite being half their age and half their size.

To this day I am grateful to the people who modeled healthy self-regard for me and gave me permission to adore myself as I am. This experience inspired me to dedicate myself to creating fetish lingerie for people with generous curves. Through Pique Lingerie, I am hoping to pass on what the kink community gifted to me: a permission slip for sexual exploration and body confidence, regardless of your size.

Photo: Fernando Veiras

As I delved deeper into BDSM, I saw myself with much more clarity.

I understood what I desired and where to set boundaries. I grew more confident and assertive. I let go of the idea that I have to fit in. I stopped putting my needs aside in the bedroom. I discovered who I am at the core and explored the many facets of my personality. I nurtured my new loving relationship with my body.

I did this by having some of the most intense, transcendent and transformational experiences of my life. And here I was thinking that all I was getting myself into was a bit of fun.

I never expected this from BDSM.

In the last few years my exploration of kink has become more spiritual, focused on healing and growth. BDSM has allowed me to discover parts of myself that I didn’t have access to with traditional forms of coaching or therapy because they didn’t give me the relational or safe container I needed in order to delve into my own depths.

Thanks to BDSM I understood how my kinks reflected who I am and how I do things. They allowed me to experiment with pleasure, power and pain, enabling new physical and emotional experiences that moved me towards change. I’ve come to realize how important it is to have a safe space to “play” with situations that move you deeply so that you can try out a different way of doing things (instead of just talking about them).

My nurturing, loving relationships with my play partners had a profound influence on fostering a sense of safety and connection. Ironic, isn’t it, that something with such a reputation for being harmful and violent would have such an effect?

Photo: Philippe Rives

Since then I’ve continued studying the many ways we can heal.

I experimented with astrology, tarot, crystals and reiki. I struggled with meditation, but found that mindfulness off the cushion came easily to me. I became a death doula, accompanying people at the end of life. I obtained a certification in somatic emotional integration which basically means using the body to process trauma. I worked as a psychological counselor at a queer and trans healing center. I became a certified psychological and systemic life coach and started a coaching practice for unconventional people. I assisted people with disabilities in managing their daily routine. I sat in parks listening to strangers tell me their stories. I volunteered at festivals, supporting people with challenging psychedelic experiences.

Over the years I’ve learned that things are much more complex than we would like them to be. I’ve learned not to believe everything I think, and to trust what my gut tells me. I’ve learned to hold opposites and find them to be equally true. I’ve learned to parent my inner children and allow room for play and creativity. I’ve learned to chill, not always successfully, but it’s a lot better than it used to be.

Photo: Mirella Frangella

As I change, so does my work.

I am still passionate about challenging the idea that sexy is a size two, B-cup and that only conventionally beautiful people are allowed dirty sex. And I still enjoy running my little lingerie labor of love.

Yet as my work has always reflected what I find meaningful, I wanted to integrate the things I have learned and the ways in which I have grown. And so Kink Coaching was born.

There is much that BDSM and my own inner work have taught me and I feel called to share it.

My path to kink was wrought with so much awkwardness, feeling out of place and lessons learned the hard way that I wish Kink Coaching had been a thing in my day. So here I am, opening doors to the world of BDSM for people the way I wish someone had done for me.

For the people who sense that their kinks go deeper than just good old fun, I offer a way to discover how your patterns inform your play and where there may be potential for healing. You can talk to me about all the things you can’t talk about with your therapist.

Following my desire into kink was one of the most rewarding things I ever did.

Maybe it will be the same for you.

ONLY FOR PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF MAJORITY 18+